It irks me when I try so hard to forget the negative effect someone had on me, when I force myself to believe that what I remember is a figment of my imagination, when I've given too many excuses on her account...
It hurts me to think that I almost excused her for everything she did, that I placed the blame of disillusionment on myself, when in reality, nothing changed.
It pains me to realize that though I thought I was way past the biting remarks, the chaste stares, the subtle yet open hostility, the blatant ignoring, when faced with all that once more, I again felt inadequate.
Why does she always make me feel like I'm two?
I thought I was finally ready to forgive her, but I guess I can't just yet...
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20 comments:
cool Blog
What can I say... I know the feeling, though.
Each time you "think" you got past it-- you really did and that's a victory of its own. Never mind that there ended up being a next time... A new day, a new challenge.
I like that you're true to yourself...
Sometimes we sugar coat things without truly meaning it and without truly moving past..which can be more harmful in the long run..
20 years - thanks.
basmelech - nah, i wasn't past it. just thought i was, cuz i wasn't around her for a while.
david - i only seem like i'm true to myself online. and to others. but to myself... i just don't know...
We all have someone like that in our lives....reality baby, reality!
some things take longer than others things. Especailly if it's really painful.
Ah, now I see... and now I'm even more familiar with what you're talking about! But I still hold with my original statement -- if you'd managed to forgive her in her absence, that is great. Next time it will be an even greater achievement because you were disappointed once.
As to being true to yourself-- though I could always be wrong, I really don't think that's an issue. I think people are smarter than you give them credit for, and they wouldn't trust you so much if you weren't true to yourself. You may have many imperfections, you may act above your level at times (which is one path to growth), but you are so real and true.
By the way... in the first line... I believe you meant to write "effect."
LV - i've had enough reality to last me for a looooong while.
lvnsm27 - painful's not the word. truth i, she has no clue how much pain she caused me. i never told her.
basmelech - i don't think it was os much forgiveness as it was forgetting what it was like...
real and true in certain aspects, but SO FAKE in others. it's actually quite sad.
:(
:(
Just one minute here, Dreamer-- we can't both be broody at the same time!
Give me a day or so, I'm coming out of it... For now, I commiserate.
I can relate hard to make urself forgive someone when you are not ready. I have to work on it too.
oy... oy... oy....
Those who do this to others, can be real evil. break hearts and souls, and leave a very hurtful negative impact that can last a lifetime
been there... done that.. more then once or twice (getting hurt.. not hurting others)
Lately some one who I have shared some of my feelings when we befriended and was promised that "I" would never break your heart.. actually ended up doing just that.
but u have to stay strong and try to ignore them and erase them from your feelings.
they dont deserve your feelings
yeah, it;s easier said then done.
i know
well, she wasn't exactly a confidante of mine.
more like an authority figure.
but i don't think she even realized what she was doing...
and i wonder if i don't do the same sometimes and just don't know it...
Dreamer, it's good to see someone who's as introspective as you.
But you posted earlier in the comments that you haven't had a open, honest confrontation ( not in the negative sense, of course) with this person, which is hard, painful, but above all, necessary.
Aside from the fact that you could very possibly be transgressing "Echad b'Lev, v'Echad b'Peh" the actual healing won't ever take place until you've opened yourself up.
There are numerous advantages to this. there doesn't have to be a dialogue; you can just unload ( not in an offensive way, obviously), and get your feelings out. Aside from catharsis, you'll achieve an feeling of true honesty, which will make you stronger (hopefully), and you'll be able to move on. As long as it's internalized, you can believe it's over as much as you want, but you run the risk of that wound being torn open yet again.
I hope I made some sense. Lots of luck, and I have another suggestion for you, but that requires an e mail, I believe. You know where to find me...
jewmaican - everything you say is true, and perhaps i'll have the strength one day to do just that, but right now, i just can't...
Dreamer,
I know a fellow who specializes in making problems disappear, just thought I would offer.
Seriously though,
Forgiving someone who wronged you is one of the most difficult things to do. It requires going way above and beyond the call of duty or reason. It requires self-sacrifice, and bypassing your sense of justice and fairness. I do not pity your predicament.
However, it is important to realize that it is worth the efforts, because it is in your own best interest to forgive this person. As twisted as it is, you are just perpetuating the wrong this person caused by allowing it to hold you back, or upset you.
It may help to remember that there is divine retribution and this person will be served a cold hard dose of justice. Also, everything happens for a reason, and though we may not understand it, recognizing that this ultimately came from G-d and that it should serve as a Kapara, may help you forgive this most undeserving person. May G-D recognize your compassion, and go beyond the call of duty for you. Forgive so that you may be Forgiven!!!
This person is a nothing, and shouldn't matter enough to you to let her hold you back. disregard her. You are better than that. and her.
Good Luck in this most difficult challenge.
mel - thanks for the offer, but i decline.
yeah, it's difficult to forgive. it's easier to just escape...
problem is, she's NOT a nothing. really and truly.
:(
I don't know who this person is, but if she can't recognize and appreciate who you are, than she is not worth the time of day.
The Chofetz Chaim writes that there are no real leaders in our generation. No matter how great this person is, they have to prove themselves to you to deserve your respect.
I don't care if you think she is a someone, she is a fool if she made biting remarks to you, I have half a mind to decline your declination of my offer, and take care of this problem.
I am a nothing, and I can appreciate what you have to offer, this person who you believe is not a nothing, is a fool if she cant.
mel - what can i say? you don't know me, and you don't know her, so you can't possibly know the whole situation. i know you mean well, but often, knowing the whole story is paramount.
Why are you defending her? we already know you tried to take the blame for this one. you are sounding borderline like a stockholm syndromist. sometimes, you really aren't the one to blame.
but, this is your battle, not mine... and meaning well certainly isn't enough when there are unknown factors involved. I just know that this person hurt you, and you for some reason, are defending her. I can't imagine WHY!!!
i'm not taking the blame, and not defending.
just saying that she made a mistake, that's all.
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