I love my grandmother.
I really do.
But when she asks me when I'm going to bring her some nachas already, I'm hurt.
Am I not a person in my own right?
Do I not bring nachas to my family through just being who I am?
I can't control when I'll get married.
But giving nachas?
...
The title's sorta self explanatory, ain't it? This is the place where the things I dream are sent to cyberspace for all to examine, dissect, and return with comments.
17 comments:
I hear that....
The whole nachas thing..smells of selfishness..
I see it in my grandparents as well...nuu when are we gonna start seeing some nachas..?
as if..we're here to entertain them..
But its hundreds of years of conditioning and this emphasis..on continuity..
so I dont blame them..
Oh Dreamer.... :(
If she only saw all the good you do with open eyes, she would be overflowing with nachas. If she has a vision problem, I really pity her because she's overlooking one amazing granddaughter.
Ouch!
I second what littlebirdies just said.... OUCH!
david - nachas isn't really meant to be "given". it's meant to be felt, and it's indivdual to the each person receiving it. my grandmother has gotten more selfish lately, (quote from her own kids) but i guess that's understandable...
basmelech - aawwwwww.... thanks.
littlebirdies - thanks for the empathy.
almost frei - thanks to you too. and welcome to my blog.
I'll echo what the others have said. Though I don't know you in real life, I can tell from your insights and especially your poetry that you must be a really special person. If your grandmother can't be happy with who you are simply because you're not yet married, she's missing out.
I don't have grandparents anymore to say such things to me...so instead I just hear it from the yentas at shul. Ouch indeed.
Getting selfish is unfortunately a part of old age. They forget that we have a life outside of theirs. They also get nervous that they won't live to see the next stages in our life. My grandmother told me at my bas mitzvah that she put my name on the gift in case she died before she gave it to me. B"H she's still alive and well and close to 90.
I'm not sure this is selfishness though.
Yeah, that can hurt.
But think of it this way: thank God you have grandparents who can bug you about stuff like nachas; three of mine are gone now, and the last one is too out of it to really realize...
Hatzlacha.
He's out there...
scraps - i think hearing it from yentas is worse... at least i know that my grandmother loves and cares about me...
littlebirdies - i think it's just a sign of nervousness... that they can no longer do everything for themselves so they want others to do it all for them...
jewmaican - that's why i prefaced by saying that i love her. i do appreciate my grandparents... i have two who are no longer alive... i never even met one...
thanks. yours is out there, too...
To all those who are thinking Dreamer's grandma is selfish and inconsiderate:
I don't know her so I can't say specifically, but in a general sense I find it much more likely that she genuinely cares and understands, just doesn't know a better way to try and gently express the fact that deep down, she very much wants to see her beloved granddaughter happily betrothed. I don't think she meant to be understood as saying "I won't get nachas from you until you give me great-grandchildren."
basmelech - yes, i know she genuinely cares, but not necessarily understands. of course she wants to see me happy, but she wants herself to be happy, as well. what i'm saying is that nachas shouldn't only come from me being married, and i shouldn't feel pressured to go out with the wrong kind of guy just because someone wants me to get married...
don't get me wrong, my grandma's a wonderful person, and i love her very much...
Like the others my first reaction was 'ouch'. Does she think that you are happy being single and are doing it to spite her as if you wouldn't like the situation to be different? Actually no, just her phrasology was wrong. I don't know how old she is or if you have older maried siblings with children from whom she has seen the generation continue (a natural wish) but i do believe that she is not selfish but rather hurting for you and this is the way it has come out. A single friend of mine said that her grandmother who is quite old KA"H told her 5 years ago that all she wants before she dies is to see her happily married...the girl is still single and the grandmother is still alive! Who knows who is keeping the other back.
VS - i agree with everything you've said. And I know she's not doing it to spite me, but it still hurts...
My cousin got engaged when she was older, and at the vort, her other grandmother said "now i can die in peace..."
I give us all a blessing that when we reach our golden years, we'll remember that life isn't so simple, and that we went through hard times as well.
In that vein, sometimes the older folks seem to think that life is much simpler for us, who "never had to sacrifice" and such...
Worth thinking about...
People don't give nachat to one another. Nachat is a gift from Hashem.
Being the conduit of nachat is also a gift from Hashem.
If your grandmother wants to 'put in an order' for nachat, she should be asking Hashem, directly. Not you.
It's like nagging the mailman for not receiving mail. Even if it's done sweetly, the request is annoying and misplaced.
That said, I'm sure she MEANT to express how much she wants you to have every happiness. She must not realize that it sounds more like a complaint than a shared lament; less like solidarity than sourness.
Since nachat is only produced as a byproduct of a child's fulfillment, sometimes parents and grandparents 'demand' nachat because it implies the child's happiness. If only they'd realize that the request can cause pain.
May you know the blessing of being the delivery mechanism of nachat to your family, and all those who love you.
(I just found your blog, and love your writing. I know this tread is a bit old, but I'm just catching up.)
jf - welcome! Thanks for your kind comment. It is much appreciated.
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