I went to a workshop over Shabbos.
One woman asked how she can stop dominating over her 19 year old son and give him space if she's so worried about him all the time.
The group of us then argued over the pros and cons of telling your older child that he/she must call home by a certain time each night if they are not in house.
My opinion was that though the child may not realize it at the time, this calling to check in is a symbol of respect on the child's part and showing care from the parents' part.
I also added that if the parent calls to make sure the child calls, he/she isn't allowing the child his/her freedom and not allowing him/her to learn responsibility.
What's your take on things?
One woman asked how she can stop dominating over her 19 year old son and give him space if she's so worried about him all the time.
The group of us then argued over the pros and cons of telling your older child that he/she must call home by a certain time each night if they are not in house.
My opinion was that though the child may not realize it at the time, this calling to check in is a symbol of respect on the child's part and showing care from the parents' part.
I also added that if the parent calls to make sure the child calls, he/she isn't allowing the child his/her freedom and not allowing him/her to learn responsibility.
What's your take on things?
13 comments:
I think that's a good point you made
What kind of workshop was it? Just curious...
In my family it is a given that you must call in, no matter how old you are. If you're living away from home, then it's acceptable to call in less often. We were brought up this way because my grandmother is very overprotective, so my mother always has to report to her.
So, given my experience in this area, I fully agree with you that a child should be encouraged to call home, but the parent shouldn't do the calling-- at least not too often. Hopefully, the child cares enough about his parents to spare them the worry and check in every so often; if not he can be reminded occasionally. If the parents keep on calling, it sends messages of distrust and makes the kid resent all the nagging.
I agree it is all part of limit setting which shows a parent cares even though the child does not know it at the time.
lvnsm27 - thanks.
knaidel - at a shabbaton. was for marrieds and singles.
glad to hear you agree with me.
would you believe it that some mothers DIDN'T?
sw/fm - it's limit setting for the child, but also setting limits for the parent, so that they shouldn't be too overpowering over their older teen.
I don't think a parent should insist on an older child calling home. It is the child's duty to know when and how often to call home.
LV - It's not insisting, but rather explaining to the teen how much calling would mean to you.
The rest is up to the child and your relationship with him/her.
An older teen who knows his mom just wants a phone call when he's out late and knows his mom loves him will not hestitate to call.
However, if the mother calls his cell on the hour to find out when he's arriving home, he'll probably ignore her calls, and never take the initiative and responsibility to call home.
Yes, LV-- a lot of teens simply don't realize that it would be nice of them to call home. They don't think that way.
Dreamer-- which part didn't they agree with?
In response to that last bit-- true, but in my case it made me call first so I could be in control of the situation and not get yelled at for not calling. Go figure. Either way, it doesn't make the kid feel great.
knaidel - one mother said you shouldn't ask your teen to call at all. another said that the mother should do all the calling...
go figure.
ah, knaidel, the magic phrase "scared of getting yelled at".
That's why I said it depends on the relationship. You weren't calling so much out of responsibility, but rather of (sort of) fear.
However, if the right kind of relationship exists, the teen will WANT to call home. Not so much to placate his mom, but rather to show respect and caring.
If a parent hasen't hammered home the instinct of respect by the time theyre 19...
It's not gonna happen...
david - true.
gotta start when they're young, huh?
Good way of looking at it never thought of it in terms of being good for the parents.
O yes...
It cant really be taught..It has to be observed.
No, I don't think of it as fear. At least, not in my case. I just don't like to upset my parents if it can be avoided. That's why I call: so they shouldn't be all worried.
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