I never thought I'd be like this.
Sitting at a simchah.
Shmoozing with my sisters-in-law.
Looking about,
I notice my cousin.
Young.
Married right out of high school.
She's bloated.
Sporting a brand new maternity dress.
Cousin #2 hands me her baby.
"Can you hold her for a sec?"
Cousin #3 coos at her little one.
I bang my hand
against my head
In an effort to remove the tension.
They all said it would be like this
but I didn't believe them.
Didn't think I'd join the
quivering masses.
I smile,
stroke the baby on my lap,
And quickly hand her over
to my aunt.
I wish #1 a "Bishaah Tovah"
I take a picture of #3's kid.
Wear a mask
to hide the pain
of uncertainty.
I won't stay like this
But give me this night
to wallow in self pity
and cry my heart out
for what I don't yet have.
23 comments:
I'm crying with you.
You know what I hate?
There will be people reading this who will be thinking, how terrible, she's jealous, just be happy for them, etc... because unless they've been here they don't realize it's not that.
To those people: Think what you want. Please don't say it.
hug
Oooh...
I know exactly what you mean.
It's tough when you see guys come back to the States, and within three weeks their done with everything.
It seems unfair, like they have everything handed to them on a platter, that throughout their entire lives they'll get what they want immediately.
I've grappled with this several times recently.
However, someone told me a few weeks ago something interesting: his rebbi made a comment a few years ago that he feels bad for people who get engaged to their first guy/girl, and they have a kid aftre ten months, etc. They don't necessarily learn the power of bitachon that someone who is in shidduchim for quite some time does.
As a matter of fact, when things do't go as easily, later on in life, it's much harder for them, because their used to things "happening" without any problems...
That's something worth thinking about..
Oh do I know that feeling. All too well. And every time it happens, I berate myself. How dare I be jealous or saddened when it is just a matter of time and iyh I'll be joining them soon. But the feelings don't go away. It hurts. Feeling the "lacking feeling" doesn't necessarily mean I'm jealous, it means that my "singledom" hits home once again. Hopefully the pain you and I and anyone else out there feels will be a Kapara and will make for a great life in the near future..HUGS!!!
(((hugs)))
I know how that feels.
Iy"H by all of us, b'karov...
These feelings are not only for single people waiting to find their match. It happends to all of us at different points of life. It's normal, though that doesn't reduce the pain. We longingly wait to get married, to have children, to have parnasa...
Just hang in there. Even if this blog is only a tiny glimps of you-you seem to be someone very special and someone very special is out there waiting for you.
Oh yeah, I forgot...
"Shomer" hug! :)
...I guess.
That was such a painful experience, I really feel for you. I was once told that whenever I cry such tears I should open a tehillim and cry over it, trying to same some posukim, as tehillim said with a broken hearts pierces all barriers. It is hard as one usually doesn't feel like saying tehillim then but i usually come anyway with a stronger feeling that Hashem is always with me and sees and feels my pain. Hope your heart feels better soon :'(
Ya know what I like? I like how often when you express a deep negative emotion, you make sure to end the essay ensuring that those feelings are temporary.
I think you're very emotionally healthy and strong. You're aware of your feelings, in touch with them, embrace them, and then send them to fly a kite and u get on with life.
Its so mormal to feel the way you're feeling. We all feel like that at different parts of our lives- even when we're married with wonderful husbands and children.
Hashem should keep bestowing happiness upon you and send u a yeshua k'heref ayin.
basmelech -i stopped. :)
lvnsm - thanks.
jewmaican - oh, for sure. just that thought doesn't make it much easier when you're going through it...
halfshared - yeah, i hit myself all the time... amen
scraps - thanks. amen.
little birdies - i know. it's for each person to take their own way... thank you.
jewmaican - lol. you feeling outnumbered?
smile - dunno why tehillim doesn't do much for me either...
ia - yeah, that's me! realist all the way...
:)
amen.
I'm sorry...
But its good that u embrace the pain..feel it intensely...then let it pass...and not brush it away as a thing of weakness...
david - yeah, sure is intense sometimes.
but i'm okay now.
illegal - aha! now it all makes sense...
knew there was something soulful about you...
I KNOW I'm outnumbered...
"bloated"...? That's not a jealousy word.
But the longer it takes to get something, the better you appreciate it when it comes. And it will. Nisyonos means Hashem is flattering you with His attention; anyone can have a perfect life, but balancing the difficulties requires personal attention - a privilege of sorts.
{hug}
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
That is very painful.
Here's a teardrop for you. (seriously)
I posted and deleted the comment above - I attempted to draw a teardrop with the backslashes, but it messed it up.
One thing that I repeat to myself from time to time is that I have to look back at how much I grew over the time I spent looking for my shidduch. Similar to what Jewmaican said, those who have a relatively "easy" time (because who decides what "easy" is, anyway?) in shidduchim often go straight into marriage without that period of seriously working on themselves. There is so much I learned that has made me into a better person and will help me in my marriage, iy"H. Thinking about that makes me feel a little better...
And of course the fact that He pulls all the strings...
You're aware of your feelings, in touch with them, embrace them, and then send them to fly a kite and u get on with life.
Dreamer--can you teach me how?
*sigh*
jewmaican - in real life as well. always seems as if there are more girls than boys...
bad4shidduchim - (can i ask the reason for your sn?)
well, normally, it ain't, but this time... tell you the truth, i'm not jealous of that part...
:P
and i don't mean to mussar you really, but to tell that to someone who is going through a nisayon is not the greatest thing... i forget which rav said that... could be r' wolbe, zt"l...
at peace - ah, well... it was worth a shot...
here's a sideways one
C>
lol
CP - i know...
it's a little difficult to teach an emotion...
I think i allow myself to be in pain - when you don't, you feel the hurt ever so more acutely... but i don't let it all overpower me... i look around at the girls i know, and so many of them are soooo depressed... i don't want to be like that, but i can't deny myself my feelings either... guess this is the best middle ground...
Ther ARE actually more girls than boys.
Hashem made the world like that on purpose.
Originally there were at least two women to one man- until the cherem stopped it.
Also, men were the ones who went out to war and died- so again, less of them.
Nowadays its one man to one woman but the ratio of man to woman hasnt changed.
There are definitely more women than men.
Thats why the ideal thing to do would be for girls to start marrying boys younger than themselves... to start balancing it out a bit more.
Illegal--
I've heard that before, but I don't chap something-- If the older girls marry the younger boys, then the next group of younger girls will have even less boys to go out with!! Unless I'm being thick and missing something here...
Dreamer--
You're right. Emotions can rarely be taught. I'm just glad then that you found your shvil ha'zahav...
corner-
I didnt mean that EVERY girl hasta marry a younger boy. The point is that we hafta break the notion that the boy hasta be older than the girl... and therefore, a few girls each year will end up marrying younger boys.
There will still be plenty left, but anyway, the next group will automatically be dating boys their own age and younger as well.
But again- the point is that its not EVERYONE. The majority of girls will still marry older boys.
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