I bumped into my high school principal recently.
She held my hand, drew me close, and whispered in my ear "Someone called me about you just two days ago."
That was it.
No inkling as to what she said about me. No nothing. Just trying to give me chizuk that shidduchim are being redt and that people are asking about me.
The only problem is this: I don't want people to call my principal for info about me. High school was a number of years ago. I've drastically changed since then. Old friends who meet me on the street or at a wedding constantly exclaim over how different I am. Aside from the fact that she didn't know me very well during high school, either.
When people ask me for references, I never give her name. When asked why, I simply explain that I've changed, and most are fine with that. So why are people still calling?
Now, don't get me wrong. This principal is a wonderful woman, truly caring and all the rest. But the truth remains that she doesn't know me at all. Never did and still doesn't.
I know this holds true for other girls as well. I understand calling the principal for info the first few years after high school. But unless one's from a small town, and the school is really tiny, after a prescribed amount of years, principals should not be called unless specifically given as a reference.
Just my opinion on the matter.
:)
12 comments:
I wouldn't worry too much about it. People just want to be reassured that there isn't any real personal or family issues.
People call your friends to find out about you, and your principal and rav to find out about the family. The very fact your principal doesn't know you well, should bode well for you, as it means you didn't cause much trouble. (my principal from high school maybe knows me better than my parents. j/k)
There is an English sefer with a compilation of the Masgiach of Kamenitzs' life lessons. I think it may be called "Tranquility in the Home." (I am unsure though.)
He discusses this very issue. Someone once asked him, people have enemies, or others who may misrepresent them. What happens if someone calls the wrong person when researching a shiduch.
The Mashgiach replied that this is one of the methods G-d uses to control shiduchim and guide you to your zivug.
I know this concept may be abstract, but thinking about it can be reassuring.
Happy Hunting!
mel - yeah, i know all that. problem is, this principal THINKS she knows me.
:)
So she tells these people the wrong info.
I know it's all bashert, but it's still frustrating.
:(
I know the feeling. But think of the alternative. I had someone call my rosh yeshiva from 4 years ago about me. He replied, "I feel uncomfortable answering questions about him, as I haven't been his Rabbi in 4 years."
Needless to say, she said no.
better a nice but inaccurate report than a vague report lending itself to the limitless imagination.
I am gonna ask my mom what she says about her students she hasn't known in several years.I know she gets the calls.
It definitely is very frustrating, but bottom line, how many times have you gone out with someone and they were completely different than the way they were described to you, or the way you pictured them.
I definitely agree though, it is just careless and irresponsible to call people who have no idea what they are talking about.
You can tell yourself that if they are that shallow that they consider information from someone who hasn't really been in touch with you over the last couple years, they probably aren't worth the time of day. (atleast their mom's/researchers aren't)
Of course you can always pull the old have-a-friend-call-her for information about you to see what she actually says.
You never know where your shidduch will come from. According to hashgacha pratis I don't think she would end up ruining a shidduch.
the whole shidduch information issue needs alot of siyata dishmaya.
Who really knows anyone?
I was once called for information for someone I know and the parents faxed over 3 pages worth of questions!!
At the end she ended up finding a boy on her own..
What they said.
And giving the "dan lekaf zechut" perspective:
Since she didn't tell you what she said, it may be safe to assume that she went the way of most HS teachers/principals and said something generic and nice, and maybe even pointed them towards someone who might know you better.
Furthermore, I doubt most people really attribute much authority to the HS people's opinions. Assume that they are almost as intelligent as you and therefore they realize that it's been a while and these people have had zillions of students.
Anyway, unless you were really rebellious or something in HS, I wouldn't worry too much about this.
i'm not worried.
just making a statement.
no, i don't thnk she said anything bad. i don't think she even said anything generic. she just said something that's NOT ME. that's all.
Let's look at it from another angle.
It's a shame to say, and it;s very sad, yet it's 'leider' true, that there are people who when asked information, say bad... some because they are bitter people, some because they carry grudges.. and some because they are plain stupid, and feel obliged to tall evey silly gossip they may have or may have not thought of.
so if some one says good info, that's a plus already...
yet one thing is sure, that the NO ONE can stop that one shiduch is bashert and meant to be,
either they will find the right people to ask and get only good info, and even when not, it;s just translated into good.
i have seen it happen in very strange way!! so don;t worry at all!!!
Now that I think about it, you still have every right to be upset and frustrated.
Just because you can understand the situation with some perspective doesn't mean you can't strive for an ideal situation.
Unfortunately, I see no way you can correct the situation aside from what you are already doing, namely not giving her as a reference. I can't imagine it going well if you tell her she has you all wrong.
Thank G-d for blogs, where you can air out your frustrations without causing any harm.
nuch - thanks.
it's one thing to know. it's another thing to feel.
:)
mel - thanks for the permission.
'preciate it.
:P
The situation is what granted you permission. I just now understand it.
Just came across the blog so I know I'm more than a bit late on this but I agree with you wholeheartedly. I am going through this too now and I have also changed so much over the past few years that even my classmates don't know me. I often hear that people that are looking into me get info that is so off target, sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry. But I do comfort myself knowing that it is all up to Hashem and when my bashert comes around, they will hear what they have to hear and won't hear, what they shouldn't hear. Good luck!
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