Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get married.
And when I think that, or say it out loud, I get the comments of "It can happen so quickly, you won't know what hit you..." or the like.
But I really wonder. Sometimes.
I look at those older women who just never found the right one. Not because they were choosy, not because they weren't pretty, not because of family problems or money problems or anything like that. They're wonderful, smart, down to earth, real people who just never had the merit to marry.
Will that be me?
And then I wonder: what is so amazing about marriage, anyway? Yes, I may be lonely right now. But that's because most of my friends are married and busy with their lives and kids and don't have much time for other friendships. Marriage is scary. You live with this guy who you don't know very well at first. He may turn out to be the world's biggest monster. Who knows? And then there are the kids. If you don't have any at first, people look at you and wonder. And then you go for treatments. And you have to go to simchos where you feel like a stranger and a nobody. And once you have kids, there's all the taking care, and the worries, and the responsibilities...
Yet, I WANT those responsibilities. I know that the relationship one has with a spouse can be like no other if one works at it and merits to reach that place. I know that the nachas one receives from kids is worth the effort and the worries and everything else.
But what if I don't get married? What if....
(Very incoherent, I know. But life doesn't always make sense...)
23 comments:
Dreamer,
I wish I knew the proper consolation for your sentiments. I have heard them all, but none seem to really make a difference. The important thing to do is to live your life as it is, and serve your purpose as best you can given the circumstances.
You can tell yourself that G-d has something special in store for you, or you can make your life as fulfilling as possible... but at the end of the day, you will still wonder...What If...
I don't have answers, and I don't know reasons, but I know that you are in control of your feelings and reactions to your life. Only you can decide to be happy, and recognize the good in your world.
Whatever the case, your "lonliness" i suspect isn't real lonliness, but rather a longing to get on with your life and build a Torah home like you were meant to. I don't think you really feel all alone, I just think you feel an emptiness of not reaching the completeness of marriage.
Yom Tov/ Bein Hazmanim has a way of bringing out the feelings of lack of fulfillment of being single. The feeling of a kinda limbo where you are already living in the real world, but not yet married.
Though I don't know you, I have a way of judging/labeling people based on minimal exposure (i.e. Your writing)
And I feel confident telling you that you are a head and shoulders above many Jewish women, and your family one day will bring a world of light more into this world than you can imagine. Hang Tight, Klal Yisroel is gonna need you one day.
Much Hatzlocha,
Mel
There is someone out there for everyone! Don't ever give up, and don't miss the opportunity when it comes knocking!
I think that Mel really said it all.
hey! you stole my thoughts :)
i agree... what if..
and you know what.. youre right, not everyone does get married, not everyone has children. it seems like an essential part of life so it's hard to imagine that it wont happen - like what did i ever do to stand out like this??
but it's possible..
i know this sounds weird, but for me, that thought is sometimes helpful. it's like - if you can face the worse case scenario, then nothing is as scary. soemtimes it helps me be more daring, more open in dating.. i just think - ive already accepted the worse..i have nothing to lose at this point.
but at the same time, i work really hard at not letting that thought bring me to despair. it's a balancing act.. as usual..
i dunno if im making any sense, but if its any consolation, i hear and agree..
I think Mookie said it best..
The bottom line is..no one knows what kind of role God has pre-ordained for us in advance. It's revealed to us day by day.
If thinking..what if? helps you face that then it can be helpful.
If it makes you melancholy and not want to try as hard then it's negative..
I also agree with Mel that you seem like an extraordinary person who definitley deserves it all..but unfortunately it doesn't always work that way in this world..
And I know it's clishe but I'll say it anyhow because I see it happen all the time..No matter how dark the night..really all it takes is one moment of light to make it a distant memory and you never know when it might suddenly appear...
Keep smiling...
:-)
You know those stories about Jews getting reminders about their jewishness from anti-semites in Europe....
Well,
I just got a cold harsh reminder that I am single.
There is a job available in my Industry (shopping center leasing) which would be a tremendous opportunity. One I wouldn't pass up in a million years. I even have a very real "IN" for the job, as the "Recruiter" is a very close friend of mine.
He is passing me up for the Job, and offering it to others who I know are not nearly as capable or qualified as I am, because they are married. Apparently, This job is being offered to someone who will become an Askan in the community where the job is. Apparently, A single guy doesn't meet the criteria of becoming a stable member of a community.
I have half-a-mind to marry an immigrant who needs a green card just to get the Job.
Oh Well, sometimes life has a way of pointing and laughing at you (me) just because you are different. Being single just cost me a job worth several hundred thousand a year. Oh well, Vaiter in Shas, if you know what I am saying!
dreamer,
me too...
Mel,
Your first comment was profound.
The second one was appalling. In my community, we have a number of singles of various ages who are very involved and we wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. We are lucky to have them, and even though I'm sure at times, privately, they have their "Single feelings" it's good for all of us that they haven't let that stop them from being the greatest.
And one more comment:
Regarding loneliness--
It's easy for the singles among marrieds to pin the loneliness on that. But I don't think that's it. The fact is, married or single, as we move through adulthood it's a very different existence from our school days. We all go separate ways towards unique destinies. It's hard to accept this and everyone will find some circumstance to blame, but know that it's not just you. The marrieds also feel lonely. Even if they are in the majority category, still no one has to deal with the same exact finances, in-laws, medical issues, etc -- and as a committed spouse, they are limited in whom they can share their feelings with.
Not trying to invalidate anyone's feelings; just some nosh for thought.
Bas-Melech,
As far as singles go, you are absolutely right, they can be involved on many levels, but when a businessman is trying to grow his community, stability is best found with married couples who make long-term decisions. (unfortunately)
as far as loneliness goes, I couldn't say for sure, but I suspect being married requires a constant effort, and is much more fulfilling than a single person trying to conquer their time. I don't really care what I do right now so long as it creates a good life for me, but once the big ball and chain comes into play,I suspect my decisions will be more involved and more demanding.
What you are describing sounds more like anger. Not loud and aggressive, but suppressed and cynical. Anger at your circumstances and blaming it on the uniqueness of the situation. Typically blame is a substitute of anger at oneself manifesting itself in various ways, most likely in anger at G-d.
I am not saying you are right or not, but I would suspect the experience of facing life's challenges with someone at your side would have a comfort in and of itself, one that singles cant experience on the same level.
As lee greenwood so eloquently put it, " If tomorrow all the things were gone I worked for all my life, and I had to start again with just my children and my wife, I would thank my lucky stars, I am standing here today, because the flag still stands for freedom, and they can't take that away!"
It is hard and hope helps, but we all have our pessimistic moments, and that's ok, and then something uplifts you again we hope.
Mel - thanks for your beautiful words.
LV - there is? I think you missed about half my post... I think I opened the door before anyone even showed up...
anono - yup. he did.
mookie - dunno if it's so positive for me. i find that the more i dwell on it, the less positive i get. but if i never spend ant time thinking about it, i feel like i'm not facing reality. sort of like your last post about catch 22.
david - thanks for being realistic. and i hear that cliche at least once a week. :)
mel - ouch. that hurts. there's a similar sort of problem in my field, but i'm working at breaking the barrier. (just mine's not so well-paying...)
bas-melech - :(
and mel and basmelech - love the chit-chats you have on my blog.
lol.
swfm - when life becomes one long pessimistic moment, you know you've gotta do something drastic.
Very interesting point Bas Melech about marriage being sometimes lonelier than singlehood.
Every marriage has its ups and downs and during down times..if communication lines break down it can feel awfully lonely. Hopefully it doesnt last long though..
(From same anono who agreed with Mel's first comments: )
I offer you these thoughts from the perspective of somebody who had to endure all those well-meaning comments until my early 30's,
and again, when I "re-entered the Parshoh" in my forties (after many years of marital bliss):
I have endured all of the well-meaning comments without complaining
(as I am sure that you, too, have only responded Graciously to all of those Very-Well-Meaning individuals.
But Mel is correct:
You have shown yourself (through this blog) to be an exceptional individual,
so you should not start to doubt that HaShem will match you with someone truly worthy of you
(and don't start doubting this, just because you know of other very-worthy women who never found their correct partners.
Doubts and pessimism are fertile ground for the deterioration of one's own positive character traits, and therefore need to be banished from one's mind at all cost.
Please allow me to add that You are only about half my age, so it should be much easier for You to look at the bright side when necessary (and it certainly is necessary).
May HaShem please bless You and all those who truly seek their proper zivugim with the true Simcha which You and they deserve.
May this be His will, soon.
Dreamer- Thanks.
(I can't explain it, but I feel a need to argue with Bas Melech as often as I can.j/k.)
Now that you mention it, it is very difficult to break the barrier as a single teacher. I am lucky enough to be flexible with my professional pursuits. Missed opportunities are not the end of the world for me.
Still, your sentiments ring true to me as a Yeshiva guy who put in his time, and decided it's time to live my life. I had to overcome a lot of adversity leaving Yeshiva after 6 Years of Beis Medresh. I knew it was the right path for me, and I had my Daas Torah on board, finished my degree, but I still had to fight with my mother about what going to work would do to my shidduch "Resume".
Truth be told, I wish I could go back to yeshiva, but I look at these older single men who had it all going for them, and I see some of them living a good life, and others barely surviving. I know working is in my destiny, and I want to live a good life, so I decided to get the show on the road, and start making that happen.
Sure, If I got married, I would leave it all for whats best for my family, but as a single guy I am not gonna let that hold me back.
My point is, everyone at every stage of their life has a purpose, a challenge, a raison d'etre.
One day you will face the frightening world of marriage, of building a relationship, of creating your own world, but now is what really matters. Carpi Diem, chop arein, take advantage of who you are today, and know that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
When the face of your world changes, and you are faced with the prospect of creating an interdependent organism functioning in a greater society, know that today is the reason you will be able to conquer tomorrow.
At the end of the day, like everything else in life, what matters is what you do with your feelings and emotions, what matters is where they point you, and what they taught you.
Good Luck In All,
Mel
Not incoherent at all. I think those thoughts go through every girls mind at some point or another. B"H I didn't date that many guys before I met my husband. But while dating I would often wonder. I wasn't someone wow in any sense. I felt that there are so many better girls out there, why would a guy even want me, how would I know he was it, etc. Dating isn't easy especially for the older girl.
You're right on target with all the fears and concerns, but it is so worth every moment!
uh oh! Sounds like despair to me! :-( NOT GOOD!!!
Thanks for all your comments, everyone. They are much appreciated.
Just wanted to say one thing - I REALLY don't look like a sour cat all day. Everyone always tells me how happy and positive I am. I have some friends who call me when they feel they need a positive lift.
It's just here, on my blog, that I feel like I can be negative, cuz I don't have to wear a mask or put on a front or act or anything. So things may come out stronger than they really are.
But thank for listening.
And emphathizing.
Dreamer...that last comment... TOTALLY.
I think that's what our e-relationship is all about.
And to all you others-- she's right. She's very positive. Just underneath it all, for the sensitive, thoughtful person at least, there are all kinds of muses... and it's good to let them out and be real.
bas-melech - is that ALL our relationship's about?
:)
thanks for agreeing.
knew I could count on you.
:P
dreamer,
social interaction requires a certain degree of prudence and conformity beyond our control. The great thing about blogging is the ability to control your social environment. This allows you to 'put on paper' thoughts and ideas you would otherwise be cautious to discuss.( not a mask, but a different manifestation of who you are given the external limitations.) I am unsure if i/we should take offense to you feeling a need to set the record straight about your alleged sour catness. Maybe now you can understand why i refuse to censor myself on my blog. I think it is healthy and productive for people to have a harmless venue or forum where they can throw caution to the wind.
In fact, when i mentioned in my first comment how i understood you to be describing a longing and lack of completeness rather than loneliness or despair, i was reflecting on the fact that your blog depicts a happy, healthy, and well-balanced intellect, and you were just trying to make heads and tails of the reality of your current singledhood. any intelligent thought person will wonder what the future may hold, and considering the very very unlikely worst case scenario doesn't reflect on your demeanor.
whatever the case, the record is now officially straight, and you won't get any empathy from my side of the fence. j/k.
- mel (on my phone)
(From Anono from much earlier: )
Once again, Mel has said it all,
and I apologize for "doubting" you.
anono-mel - I hear what you're saying. Some other commenters may have viewed my words as such, so that comment was for their benefit. that's all.
And while blogging may be a good place to vent, certain uses of language doesn't necessarily fall under that. neither does loshon harah. blogging is not an excuse or cover to become a person devoid or lacking in Torah and Yiddishkeit. One can vent in a clean, Torahdik fashion, or one can choose to write whatever topic strikes one's fancy that moment, no matter the topic, or the appropriateness of it all.
That's what I have o say on the topic. (in the most delicate of terms, of course!)
:)
Ouch!
-mel (phone)
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