I wish I could go back in time and erase certain things from my past.
I wish could just wipe away the pictures in front of me, the articles in my memory, the thoughts that jar me and tear my heart to pieces.
I wish someone would've warned me, would've told me of the torment that would follow my actions.
I wish I would have had the sense to walk away when I still could.
I wish that my memory wouldn't work so well. At least in this aspect.
I wish that people wouldn't hold me so high, wouldn't think of me as being better than I am.
I wish that I still had the connection with my teachers that I once did, to help me calm myself and offer me new perspectives.
Oh, how I wish someone could just put me through a sieve, weed out what's no good, and create a beautiful mosaic out of the broken pieces of what was once whole.
17 comments:
Blow out the candle and make a wish :)
I hear. I think most of us feel that way, we're just afraid to admit it.
i wish i knew what to comment..
:)
truth is - wishes are worthless, better one ounce of effort that amounts to very little than 8 wishes that get you a lot. in the end it's the sacrifice that went into getting it that makes it valuable.
You have to learn to forgive yourself. Your past doesn't have to hold you back. True, it is a very real part of you, but you should embrace it, accept it, understand it, learn from it. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
What you are describing is much deeper than you realize. Those things in your past you wish you could erase, may have been you punishing yourself for a deeper subconscious guilt of something from your early childhood. We see this often in Orthodox Jews where there is an intrinsic guilt built into our system of never being able to reach perfection, and always striving to correct ourselves and grow. This endless ladder we must climb will always present opportunity to judge ourselves, and feel guilty about not being perfect.
The only way you can manage the climb is to understand and face your own limitations, to accept yourself and embrace who you are. Otherwise, you may fall into a vicious cycle.
Ultimately, the only thing you can do is try to understand yourself on a deeper level. The better you understand yourself, the easier it will be to realize how amazing and awesome you truly are. This isn't in comparison to others, you will just have a clearer understanding of why you made those decisions in your past, so in the future when faced with similar challenges you know the truly best decisions to make.
Good Shabbos,
Mel
I wish so, too.
That last line was beautiful, so expressive.
I think you have become that mosaic already, you're just remembering the painful process and wishing you'd stayed whole.
This post is very timely... about the memories, I had a moment earlier today that brought back something I tried very hard to forget... a memory so vividly embarrassing that so many years later my face still burns and stomach clenches just thinking of it... only this time it was happening to someone else and I'm sure she's regretting it already. :(
Bas-melech,
Don't keep us in suspense, I smell a really juicy story brewing, come on, we won't tell anyone, we promise!!
PLEASE?!
a heimishe - the candle's already out. i'd like to relight it.
shoshana - welcome to my blog! well i can't speak for everyone, so i'll just take responsibility for myself. :)
mookie - :P
wishes sometimes lead to effort. and wishes sometimes lead to true regret, which in turn, starts the tshuvah process...
mel - i don't think it's guilt. guilt is unhealthy. more like regret. and, as i wrote to mookie, regret is a goodthing, if one changes and grows from it. regret doesn't hold you back - guilt does.
basmelech - you're one of those who thinks highly of me.
:)
didn't finish the mosaic yet - it's a never ending process - but i'm working at it.
gosh, i hate when that happens...
That's happened to me where I said to myself that I should have walked away instead getting into that situation I was in.
Whatever the case, my last point still stands valid.
"Ultimately, the only thing you can do is try to understand yourself on a deeper level. The better you understand yourself, the easier it will be to realize how amazing and awesome you truly are. This isn't in comparison to others, you will just have a clearer understanding of why you made those decisions in your past, so in the future when faced with similar challenges you know the truly best decisions to make."
Sometimes it takes more than just knowing right from wrong. Sometimes, you have subconscious motivations clouding your judgement. The only way to conquer them, is to become aware of them.
In essence that is what true change is, knowing and understanding something NEW, so that you can make better decisions.
Like what you said, wishes are the first and most crucial step in growth or change. If you don't wish it, you are not likely to attain it.
You can only reach as far as you dream!
Dreamer -- right. I meant that, too. You hate when what happens?
Mel -- sorry, nothing juicy. Trust me. I was just remembering a time when I made an utter fool of myself in front of many people whom I respect...
Mel, again -- I think you are reading into this too deeply. One of the things I love most about the Dreamer blog is the simplicity and forthrightness of her expression.
Dreamer, again -- I think your word verification is out to get me. It gets longer almost every time and almost never accepts my comment on the first try, even though I'm an expert typist.
Vazxlttnopsb yourself!
Bas-Melech,
"One of the things I love most about the Dreamer blog is the simplicity and forthrightness of her expression."
Brilliance manifests itself in clarity and simplicity. This doesn't mean there aren't layers which can be uncovered.
The concepts I discuss apply to everything and everyone all the time. We have deep pulls, drives, and motivations which make us see things a certain way, and influence our decisions.
It is up to each individual to delve deeper in their minds to understand themselves. It is up to you on which level you understand yourself and your world.
Although, to be fair, I have been accused many times of thinking too much, and too deeply into things. I can't seem to help myself.
So genuine and expressive...
The beauty of our Hashkafa..is that nothing is static...
Even the past isnt static...
Its all dynamic...
When someone does Teshuva..moves on..then he/she changes the past..turns past errors into merits..
Time and space are only there for us to function in a 3d world There really is NO past.
You're free to go back to those times and rewrite...
Thats the miracle of Teshuva
lvnsm27 - and yet, it's soooo difficult to walk away from something... that's what we're here to work on, huh?
mel - well, yeah. but knowing your subconcious jusdgement IS knowing your right from wrong.
basmelech - i hate it when i remember something embarrassing because of an embarrassing thing that someone else is experiencing. but, too see the good in it, at least you can truly feel for the other person!
mel - so is my brilliance manifesting itself?
:P
it's fine to thing deeply. as long as those thoughts translate into positive action. Just thinking is not worth much without doing...
david - that's the difficult part. truly realizing that one CAN change the past. it just sometimes doesn't seem that way, y'know?
Dreamer,
I thought that would happen, that it would make me understand others, then I learned that not everyone sees and feels things the same way as I do, and I'm even more lost than before. I have to force myself not to look at some of my students as reincarnations of myself...
Lizmefmt to you, too!
Dreamer,
Indeed, thoughts must lead to actions.
and...
Yes, your brilliance is manifesting itself. But it takes an equally as brilliant person to appreciate it to it's fullest!
:P
Bas-Melech,
This is why it is so important for teachers to really listen to their students, and respect their feelings and opinions. You only have your personal experiences as a frame of reference, and if you project that on others, you will fail to really reach them.
WOW!--thanks. I think you've expressed a lot of what many of us feel.
Basmelech - feeling is not telling them what to do...
mel - :P
little birdies - you're welcome.
any time.
:)
Post a Comment