I Wish...

I wish I could go back in time and erase certain things from my past.

I wish could just wipe away the pictures in front of me, the articles in my memory, the thoughts that jar me and tear my heart to pieces.

I wish someone would've warned me, would've told me of the torment that would follow my actions.

I wish I would have had the sense to walk away when I still could.

I wish that my memory wouldn't work so well. At least in this aspect.

I wish that people wouldn't hold me so high, wouldn't think of me as being better than I am.

I wish that I still had the connection with my teachers that I once did, to help me calm myself and offer me new perspectives.

Oh, how I wish someone could just put me through a sieve, weed out what's no good, and create a beautiful mosaic out of the broken pieces of what was once whole.

Looking Within

Within my mind
Where you can't see
There's something very close to me.

Within my heart
When you can't know
There's someplace that I always go.

Within my soul
What you don't hear
There's someone shrugging off all care.

Within my view
Though blocked by time
There's something scraping off the grime.

Within my thoughts
Strengthened with me
There's someplace where I'm always free.

Within my dreams
Adorned with hope
There's someone struggling to cope.

Real

People can be
So fickle at times.
Can't they understand the meaning
Behind a few, simple words
Contained in a poem?
They talk about life
As if it's a real thing.
And it is.
They just don't realize
How really real
It is.
They think
Life is to enjoy.
While I say
Life is to understand.
And to understand
Is to change.
And to change
Is to grow
And to really begin
To enjoy
Life.

Orchestra

Drumbeats on my mind.
Pulling the strings
Of my heart.
Blowing through the holes
Of my soul.
Strumming.
Drumming.
Playing the keys
Of my life.
Yet the notes seem
Discordant
If I haven't
Looked at the
Book.

Thoughts of Singledom

Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get married.

And when I think that, or say it out loud, I get the comments of "It can happen so quickly, you won't know what hit you..." or the like.

But I really wonder. Sometimes.

I look at those older women who just never found the right one. Not because they were choosy, not because they weren't pretty, not because of family problems or money problems or anything like that. They're wonderful, smart, down to earth, real people who just never had the merit to marry.
Will that be me?

And then I wonder: what is so amazing about marriage, anyway? Yes, I may be lonely right now. But that's because most of my friends are married and busy with their lives and kids and don't have much time for other friendships. Marriage is scary. You live with this guy who you don't know very well at first. He may turn out to be the world's biggest monster. Who knows? And then there are the kids. If you don't have any at first, people look at you and wonder. And then you go for treatments. And you have to go to simchos where you feel like a stranger and a nobody. And once you have kids, there's all the taking care, and the worries, and the responsibilities...

Yet, I WANT those responsibilities. I know that the relationship one has with a spouse can be like no other if one works at it and merits to reach that place. I know that the nachas one receives from kids is worth the effort and the worries and everything else.

But what if I don't get married? What if....

(Very incoherent, I know. But life doesn't always make sense...)