Orchestra

Drumbeats on my mind.
Pulling the strings
Of my heart.
Blowing through the holes
Of my soul.
Strumming.
Drumming.
Playing the keys
Of my life.
Yet the notes seem
Discordant
If I haven't
Looked at the
Book.

Thoughts of Singledom

Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get married.

And when I think that, or say it out loud, I get the comments of "It can happen so quickly, you won't know what hit you..." or the like.

But I really wonder. Sometimes.

I look at those older women who just never found the right one. Not because they were choosy, not because they weren't pretty, not because of family problems or money problems or anything like that. They're wonderful, smart, down to earth, real people who just never had the merit to marry.
Will that be me?

And then I wonder: what is so amazing about marriage, anyway? Yes, I may be lonely right now. But that's because most of my friends are married and busy with their lives and kids and don't have much time for other friendships. Marriage is scary. You live with this guy who you don't know very well at first. He may turn out to be the world's biggest monster. Who knows? And then there are the kids. If you don't have any at first, people look at you and wonder. And then you go for treatments. And you have to go to simchos where you feel like a stranger and a nobody. And once you have kids, there's all the taking care, and the worries, and the responsibilities...

Yet, I WANT those responsibilities. I know that the relationship one has with a spouse can be like no other if one works at it and merits to reach that place. I know that the nachas one receives from kids is worth the effort and the worries and everything else.

But what if I don't get married? What if....

(Very incoherent, I know. But life doesn't always make sense...)

Conversation #1

Hi.
Hi, how're you doing?
Not good. Do you have time to talk?
Can I call you back in ten minutes. I'm outside now. Gotta go to someplace private.
Sure. Bye.
Bye.


Hello?
Hi.
Ok, I'm alone now. What's up?
I don't know.
Come on, talk to me. What's going on? How's everything going?
Everything's fine. I mean, it isn't, but it's sort of better than it used to be. It's just that so many changes happened in such a short time, and I just can't deal with them all.
Can't deal? Why not?
I'm not in my home, nothing's the same. Ok, so nobody's yelling at me to get out of the house. So I don't have to deal with my stepsisters, or try to talk to my mom when she doesn't even want to be mine. Still, it's not my place. I feel like everyone's pitying me.
Are they?
I don't know. They're talking about me. My cousins talk to their friends, my aunt to hers. My uncle doesn't talk much, but he never does.
Everybody likes talking about everyone. People like to talk. I'm not going to tell you it's easy, or that it feels good, but in the world we live in, people talk. They talk about me, they talk about you, they talk about whatever strikes their fancy at that moment. What do you want to do about it?
Do? There's not much I can do.
Well, you can't tell anyone else what to do, but you can tell yourself.
But that's the problem. I'm falling apart. I'm going crazy. Sometimes, I think of doing something really bad, just to get back at G-d. I don't know of a single other teenager who's going through all that I am.
Maybe there isn't anyone. After all, each person is different than the other. Even if you would be going through the same as another, you would experience it differently.
That doesn't make me feel better.
It's not supposed to.
But tell me, WHY am I going through all this? I really can't take it anymore.
I can't tell you why, because I really don't know. Tell you what, though. Are you getting back at G-d when you do something bad?
Yeah.
Really?
Well, not really. But I just don't know why He's making me go through all this.
Neither do I. But you've been this strong till now. And doing the wrong thing won't help you cope any better.
K, I hear what you're saying. But.... Woops, gotta go. My dad's coming to take me out to eat.
Bye. I'll speak to you.

Coming Home

For those of you who saw the original pic posted, sorry. Though it was funny, I decided that it wasn't giving the message I wanted.

This was written a while ago and published in a Jewish magazine under a pseudonym.

I felt this was an appropriate time of year to post it.

COMING HOME

All I saw were the eyes.
Staring eyes.
Scrutinizing eyes.
Looking at me.
Up and down.
Up and down.
Coming home after sem is not easy.
Those eyes could drive you crazy.
Tearing you apart.
Examining each piece.
Piece by piece.
Piece by piece.
A fresh piece of merchandise.
New on the shelf.
So I dress the part.
I look the part.
I act the part.
But just know,
I’m me.

Hurrah!

Here's to the end of one of my procrastinations!

I finally finished something that I started a number of months ago.
Though some of the delaying had nothing to do with me, much of it stemmed from pure laziness.
:(

I'm glad I'm finally through with this.
Though now, I've got a whole bunch of related projects heaved upon my shoulder.
:)

Two Choices

Listen, my friend.
You've got two choices.
You can see what is happening
Feel the pain in this world
Hear the tragedies
Listen to the cries

And you can say
"Oh, I just saw him yesterday!"
"What a terrible thing to happen."
"She was so young."
"What a tzaddik."

Or you can do.
Feel.
Change.

Which do you choose?

Smile!

David-on-the-Lake has put up a post elevating the dot.
I'd like to point out some inconsistencies in his post, and then do my own variation.

1) He claims that the dot is perfectly round. Look at your screens, guys and gals. Many times, it is perfectly square. Perhaps his vision needs checking.

2) Not all the heavenly spheres are perfectly round. The stars and sun are in the plasma state, and as such, are quite different than a solid.

3) Yes, a dot signals finality, but multiple dots indicate lack of words on the part of the writer. (Yes, I'm to blame for this, too.)

4) Why would one want to bring long, awesome, beautiful words to a halt? Continue on, I say!

And with that, I bring you...

THE SMILE!

:)

Lots more cheerful than a simple dot.
Doesn't bring things to a grinding halt, but rather, keeps one going throughout the day.
Never final - it always suggests more.
Comes in many different varieties.
C'mon, who doesn't love a smile?
And best of all, it's perfectly round on the outside.
Most of the time.
:)