Conversation With Self

Do it.
No.
Just do it.
No.
Why can't you just say it?
I can't. It's just too hard.
Why?
It's just a new situation. I never did this before.
So what?
So it's much harder than I thought it would be.
And?
And therefore, I can't say it.
Why not?
I don't know what the reactions will be.
Whose reactions?
Mine. And the one I have to say this too.
Ah, you see? You said that you "have to" say this...
Yeah, I know. I know I have to. It doesn't mean I want to.
Well, not everything is easy.
I sure know that.
But you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ok, ok. I hear you.
So, are you gonna do it?
Yeah. It's already done.
Good. So how do you feel?
Good, actually. But kinda sad.
Yeah, I thought you'd feel that way.
I'm glad I had the courage...
I am, too.
But sometimes, doing what's right feels so wrong...
[ouch]

Conversation #2

Conversation with yet another teen. Not a student of mine...


Hey!
Hi! What's doing?
Not much.
No?
Well, nothing I can do much about anyway.
Why? What happened?
Ummm... I got kicked out of school today?
You what?
Well, not exactly kicked out. I mean, I'm hanging by a thread. I'm really kicked out, but if I follow what the principal told me, then I can stay on.
So... What's the problem?
I can't!
Can't what?
I can't do what they want me to do. It's nice and all to go talk to people, but I want to be able to choose the people I talk to, not have them chosen for me by some idiot of a principal.
Isn't it worth it?
Worth what?
Worth it to just speak to whomever they want you to speak to. You get to stay in the school; you don't go through the craziness of finding a new school; you keep your parents happy; and you'll be more at peace with yourself.
But I don't want to go talk to this woman.
Well, do you want to go looking for another school right now? And besides, you didn't exactly try your hardest this year. Your marks are far below what they should be, and not many schools will take you with that average. It's simpler for you to just stay in this school. Maybe not easier, but simpler.
You're right. It's just that i'm sick of being in a Bais Yaakov school. It's so restricting. I can't do anything. And when I do it anyway, they find out and they get mad.
You know this is the best place for you right now.
Yeah, I know. A non Bais Yaakov wouldn't be for me either. I just wish they would let me be more free. I try so hard to stick to at least some rules while in school. Can't they see how hard it is for me? And besides, my closest friends are in this school. I don't want to leave. And they're good kids, not like me.
You're good, too. You just hide it sometimes.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Don't "whatever" me. It's true.
Yup. Whatever you say.
You know, some day you're going to be this amazing person, and I'm going to look back and say "I knew her when she thought she wasn't great." But back to where we were before - what are we doing about school?
Don't know.
Come on. Make a decision.
Have to sleep on it. It's too difficult to decide right now.
OK. I'll speak to you tomorrow.

Conversation #1

Hi.
Hi, how're you doing?
Not good. Do you have time to talk?
Can I call you back in ten minutes. I'm outside now. Gotta go to someplace private.
Sure. Bye.
Bye.


Hello?
Hi.
Ok, I'm alone now. What's up?
I don't know.
Come on, talk to me. What's going on? How's everything going?
Everything's fine. I mean, it isn't, but it's sort of better than it used to be. It's just that so many changes happened in such a short time, and I just can't deal with them all.
Can't deal? Why not?
I'm not in my home, nothing's the same. Ok, so nobody's yelling at me to get out of the house. So I don't have to deal with my stepsisters, or try to talk to my mom when she doesn't even want to be mine. Still, it's not my place. I feel like everyone's pitying me.
Are they?
I don't know. They're talking about me. My cousins talk to their friends, my aunt to hers. My uncle doesn't talk much, but he never does.
Everybody likes talking about everyone. People like to talk. I'm not going to tell you it's easy, or that it feels good, but in the world we live in, people talk. They talk about me, they talk about you, they talk about whatever strikes their fancy at that moment. What do you want to do about it?
Do? There's not much I can do.
Well, you can't tell anyone else what to do, but you can tell yourself.
But that's the problem. I'm falling apart. I'm going crazy. Sometimes, I think of doing something really bad, just to get back at G-d. I don't know of a single other teenager who's going through all that I am.
Maybe there isn't anyone. After all, each person is different than the other. Even if you would be going through the same as another, you would experience it differently.
That doesn't make me feel better.
It's not supposed to.
But tell me, WHY am I going through all this? I really can't take it anymore.
I can't tell you why, because I really don't know. Tell you what, though. Are you getting back at G-d when you do something bad?
Yeah.
Really?
Well, not really. But I just don't know why He's making me go through all this.
Neither do I. But you've been this strong till now. And doing the wrong thing won't help you cope any better.
K, I hear what you're saying. But.... Woops, gotta go. My dad's coming to take me out to eat.
Bye. I'll speak to you.