Lonely

I shuffle about the grassy field. The sky is dark above me, yet I can't look up the stars. I just stare at the grayish-green carpet below me, looking around every now and then.

I'm alone, out there in the field. I'm always alone. No one ever wants to come near me. To befriend me. I come out to this place every night, and it's always in solitude. If anyone notices me approaching, they quickly leave the area. They think I don't see them, but I do. And it hurts. Why can't they accept me for who I am?

It's not as if I'm not pretty. I am. And all say that I'm cute and adorable and they'd love to be my friend, but I know they don't mean it. They never do. Even those who stay around once in a while soon discover that they really don't wish to be near me.

So I'm alone.

It's because of one thing. Just one little thing is chasing away the masses from me. And I really can't help it.





The truth is, I smell.

A Brilliant Idea

You come to me.
Ask me for help
in cleaning up the mess
you've made.

You come to me
And wonder what
I can do
to change the situation.

You come to me
And marvel
at your brilliant idea.

Sure.

Befriend her.
Change her.
Fix her.
Let her see that what you're doing
is right.
Forget that what I did
is wrong.

It's not hypocritical.
It's life.
Live with it.

The Wedding - 5

They were up to the brachos now. One after the next, others walked up, said the blessing to the bride and groom, and took their places at the sidelines.
By now, the talking had reached a crescendo, save for the "amen" after each brachah. She shivered. She thought she could handle maybe one more moment before she'd break. Shatter into a million pieces.

In the distance, she heard the final brachah being said. She saw her friend's veil lifted to drink from the cup. She listened as the singer sang of remembering past destruction. She watched as a cloth covered object was placed on the floor; as the chassan raised and lowered his foot once, twice, three times... She cried as his shoe came crashing down on the glass, breaking her heart along with it.

Then, she smiled. She wiped her eyes and ran over to the chuppah, pushing her way through until she reached her friend and embraced her in a tight hug, whispering "Mazel Tov" over and over again into her friend's ear. She didn't want to let go. Didn't want to erase the smile that now graced her face.

From the corner of her eye, she watched as the chosson was embraced by his friend. As the bochurim started singing and dancing, she felt her friend slowly let go, grabbing on to her new husband's hand as they were led down the aisle.

The guy from across the hall was singing at the top of his lungs as he danced in front of the newlyweds. He looked away for a minute, caught her eye again, and then continued dancing. She watched as their backs receded into the next room, as the sounds of singing slowly grew faint, and as the room slowly emptied once more.

She was alone again. Alone in a room full of her heart. She felt the tears welling up again, against her will. As she sat down on a chair to compose herself, she heard footsteps come up from behind. She looked up to see the same guy from before.

"Are you OK? I noticed your face earlier, and I asked a friend who you were right then, during the chuppah. He said you were the kallah's closest friend."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, I'll be fine."

"Just wanted you to know that my friend will take good care of yours... Don't worry."

"Oh, I'm not worried. It's just that... well... whatever. I don't even know you. I shouldn't exactly be talking to you."

"It's OK. I know what you're trying to say. Ummm... Well... I gotta go now. Just wanted to make sure that you were fine."

"Thanks."

He walked away, leaving her to contemplate this strange encounter. She couldn't believe herself. She had totally misjudged him. Placed him in a box in which he didn't belong. She felt terrible. Her tears had dried on her face by now, forgotten.

She dreamily walked into the next room, a small smile on her face, and went to join her friends.

The Wedding - 4

She couldn't look anymore. It just hurt too much. Stabbed her in new places every time. She re-opened the tefillah booklet and tried to daven some more as the kesubah was slowly read out loud.

She couldn't. She couldn't say anything. She glanced down at her finger. It now bore an engagement ring. No, not her own. It was her friend's. A segulah, they said. Wear something of the kallah's jewelry, and you'll soon be wearing your own. Baloney. All tall tales. How many pieces of jewelry had she worn so far? How many times had she said Shir Hashirim? How many days had she studied Hilchos Shmiras Halashon?
Countless. Yet seemingly all for naught. She was still the same old her. Single. Alone. Watching it all from the sidelines.

Oh, the rabbis had finished. Now came the main part. Her friend would actually now be a married woman. Just a few words said by her beloved, a token slipped onto her finger and... this sure was hard to take. She looked down at her own finger, adorned with borrowed royalty. She stared at the sparkling stone, the glittering diamonds, and compared it to the simple ring that her friend now wore. So different, yet so far from her reality.

The Wedding - 3

She turned away, then turned to look again. A dam burst, and rivers of tears spilled from her eyes, mixing with the black of her eyeliner, streaking her perfectly applied makeup. A sob escaped her throat. A few people turned around, and one even shushed her. She didn't care. She didn't care what others felt, what she looked like. Truly didn't care. She was lost in her world.

Her friend's mother caught her eye, gave a sad little smile, and continued walking down the aisle. She held back another sob.

She turned towards the chuppah, to watch the chassan step forward to greet his bride.
His bride. Her friend.

Someone handed her a tissue, and she wiped her eyes, smudging them even further. She scrunched the tissue in the palm of her hand and squeezed it tightly as her friend was led around the groom. She clenched so hard, her fingers hurt.

She let go a little, and started shredding the tissue as a new song began. That always got her. Especially now. She had chosen that song. It was the one she and her friend always sang together, harmonizing for all they were worth. No more, now. Not for a while.

She glanced across the room. The guys against the wall were murmuring to each other. She grew angry. This was her friend's wedding. How dare they disturb? What kind of friends did this guy have anyway? She looked back at the chuppah. Her friend was still walking in circles. She looked back towards the other side. One guy caught her eye, grinned, and then went on talking.

The Wedding - 2

She looked down at the woman, then looked back at the page in her hands. Then looked down again at the woman. This time, the woman looked up and caught her eye.

"Mamale, you don't have a seat? You're crowding me a bit over here."

"Sorry. I'll move." I'll actually be glad to move, she thought.

She walked forward, settling herself against the wall in front of the first row of seats. She now had a clear view of the empty chuppah. And no bothersome woman next to her. She reopened the booklet and began the tefillah just as the music started up again.

She turned towards the back, straining to catch a glimpse of the groom. Her best friend's new best friend. She looked down at the floor as the tears started streaming down her cheeks, gushing forth from some newly discovered spring. Her shoulders heaved as she tried to compose herself. A hand brushed her back, stroked her cheek, and she looked up to see her other friend standing there.

"You okay?"

Obviously not. But she replied "I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

She nodded. The girl walked away, leaving her to her tears and self pity. She hardly heard the sound of "Baruch Habah." She barely focused on the singing, usually her favorite part of the evening. She just watched the floor, focusing on a moving black speck scurrying across the parquet.

The music changed tune, and she once again turned towards the rear of the room, looking for that familiar face that was now hidden behind a cloud of white. Her beautiful, wonderful friend.

to be continued...

The Wedding - 1

The large room slowly emptied as the people filed into the room next door and took their seats. The band packed up a couple of instruments and moved to a new location.
A happy murmured chatter filtered into the room she was left in, seemingly begging her to join in. To take part.

But she stood there, silently looking around, waiting... waiting... for what?
She didn't know herself. Resignedly, she took once last glance at the room and followed the rest to the next part of the evening.

The seats were all filled, so she took her place at the sidelines. Someone handed her a tefillah booklet along with a hurried "Im Yirtze Hashem by you." She whispered her thanks and opened the booklet. The words swam in front of her eyes. She shook her head, focused, and tried to say the tefillos. She couldn't think enough to say the words, however, because of some loud woman seated right at her elbow.

to be continued....

Conversation With Self

Do it.
No.
Just do it.
No.
Why can't you just say it?
I can't. It's just too hard.
Why?
It's just a new situation. I never did this before.
So what?
So it's much harder than I thought it would be.
And?
And therefore, I can't say it.
Why not?
I don't know what the reactions will be.
Whose reactions?
Mine. And the one I have to say this too.
Ah, you see? You said that you "have to" say this...
Yeah, I know. I know I have to. It doesn't mean I want to.
Well, not everything is easy.
I sure know that.
But you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ok, ok. I hear you.
So, are you gonna do it?
Yeah. It's already done.
Good. So how do you feel?
Good, actually. But kinda sad.
Yeah, I thought you'd feel that way.
I'm glad I had the courage...
I am, too.
But sometimes, doing what's right feels so wrong...
[ouch]

I Never Knew

I never knew
What I'd feel
Until I saw you.

I never knew
What I'd think
Until I spoke your name.

I never knew
What I'd say
Until I met you.

I never knew
What would be
Until you suddenly came.

I never knew
Where I'd go
Until you told me.

I never knew
To get up
Until you held my hand.

I never knew
What I'd do
Until you helped me

I never had
What I'd known
Until I knew you'd understand.

Silence vs. Speech

"Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt" (attributed to Mark Twain)

One of my favorite quotes, that is. And so true. Oh, is it true!

Oftentimes, we meet quiet people and think them as smart. But after getting to know them a bit, and hearing them speak, we realize that our first impressions were false.

And yet, this quote is dangerous.
Yes, "Siyag Lichochmah Shtikah" - the road to wisdom is through keeping silent - but there's also "Loh Habayshan Lomed" - one who is embarrassed to ask will not learn.

"Lakol Zman VaEis Tachas Hashamayim". There is a time and place for everything. A time for silence, and a time for speaking up.

Iyov kept silent, and suffered for it.
Yisro spoke up, and though at first he had to run away, his son-in-law became Moshe Rabbeinu.

We must teach the children of today to ask. To question. To want to know. To thirst for knowledge. To not be afraid to ask a question out of fear that it may sound foolish. Yiddishkeit is about asking, about questioning, about wanting to know.
And also about keeping silent and listening when it's the right time to do so.

Future

I look at these young ninth graders.
So innocent.
So unknowing.
And I wonder about them
As they sit here
Scribbling the answers to their final.
I wonder about these young souls.
Who will pass,
And who will fail.
Who will make it,
And who will fall behind.
Who will lead,
And who will follow.
Who will collapse beneath the burdens of life,
And who will grow from them.
Who will marry,
And who will remain single,
And who will divorce,
And who will wait for children.
Who will become disillusioned with Judaism,
And who will marry a future Rosh Yeshiva.
I look at these ninth graders
And I wonder about their future.
So unknown.
So scary.
Yet so bright.

written while proctoring...

Grandmothers...

I love my grandmother.
I really do.
But when she asks me when I'm going to bring her some nachas already, I'm hurt.
Am I not a person in my own right?
Do I not bring nachas to my family through just being who I am?
I can't control when I'll get married.
But giving nachas?

...

Did Ever...

Did ever a song
move you so
and make your eyes water?

Did ever a smile
touch your heart
and light a fire inside?

Did ever a hope
come to be
and make you stand taller?

Did ever a sight
set you free
and take you for a ride?

Did ever a soul
show belief
and make your self greater?

Did ever a friend
draw you close
and help you to get by?

Did ever a thought
come to mind
and couldn't wait for later?

Did ever a dream
live in you
and lift you up real high?

Sing.
Smile.
Hope.
See.
Believe.
Befriend.
Think.
Dream.
And fly.
Just fly.

Me, Myself and I

I'm one of those people who needs time for myself. Often. Very often. And some just don't understand that.
I need time to think things through. I need plenty of quiet time. I need time at the ocean, in the park, in my room... all by my lonesome self.
Only I don't feel lonesome most of the time. I keep myself company.
And... I'll admit it... I talk to myself.
:)
Out loud.
When noone's around.
Berate myself for my wrongdoings.
Applaud myself for my right-doings.
Question my decisions and try to reach some answers.
Yell at people who aren't there.

And I do consider myself sane, folks.
:)

One Tear

All I was waiting for
was one tear.
One little tear.
I needed it.
Needed to cry.
To let it all out.
But it wouldn't come.
I worked my self up
into a frenzy.
Screwed up my face.
Rubbed my eyes.
Waited
and waited
for that tear
to come.
But it didn't.
I couldn't cry.
Why?

Issues

Why do people like to create issues where there are none, yet disregard the very issues that are causing others to crumble?

Some things just plain irritate me, and this is one. Why make a problem out of something innocuous?

Grrrr.......

Good Night!

When people wish you "Good night" what do they mean?

Should you sleep well?
Not wake up sweaty?
Be able to wake up the next moring?
Be able to fall asleep?

I wonder...

Source of Disillusionment

It irks me when I try so hard to forget the negative effect someone had on me, when I force myself to believe that what I remember is a figment of my imagination, when I've given too many excuses on her account...

It hurts me to think that I almost excused her for everything she did, that I placed the blame of disillusionment on myself, when in reality, nothing changed.

It pains me to realize that though I thought I was way past the biting remarks, the chaste stares, the subtle yet open hostility, the blatant ignoring, when faced with all that once more, I again felt inadequate.

Why does she always make me feel like I'm two?

I thought I was finally ready to forgive her, but I guess I can't just yet...

The Artist's Paradox

The master
artist
stands there.
Paintbrush in hand.
Dabbing color.
Smoothing lines.
Bringing life to a
blank canvas.

Take a step back.
Look at our
artist.
Straggly hair
half hidden
by a tilted
beret.
Paint spattered
smock.
Standing in a
sparse room
with naught but a
wobbly table
a glass of water
a bar stool
a slice of bread
and his pallette
and easel.

The finished
masterpiece
now devoid of the
artist
hangs
gilt edged and framed
above the
mantelpiece.
Below,
a fire crackles.
soft, dim lights
ensconce the painting
casting shadows
revealing depth.
Smooth velvet drapings
and shiny polished marble
surround the
masterpiece
and elevate it
to glory.

The maker.
The presenter.
Two different
worlds.

One creates the
beauty.
The other
uses it.

The creator of
beauty
seems barren without
yet rich within.

And the receiver?
He's beautiful without,
yet inside...

What a paradox!

Looking Within

Within my mind
Where you can't see
There's something very close to me.

Within my heart
When you can't know
There's someplace that I always go.

Within my soul
What you don't hear
There's someone shrugging off all care.

Within my view
Though blocked by time
There's something scraping off the grime.

Within my thoughts
Strengthened with me
There's someplace where I'm always free.

Within my dreams
Adorned with hope
There's someone struggling to cope.